One Day Soon!

I want to learn how to control the voices in my head, really the one that always leads me to anger, mad at the cards that life has dealt me, unappreciative of those things that others wish for that come to me easily. Friendship, love from family, the gift of always being provided opportunity. Anger that emotion that bubbles to the service from that voice that speaks over and over. Some say it's the ego, and I may have to say i agree. Life has been a constant battle with ego, nothings ever good enough for him, he leads me to jealousy, rage, madness, and the alternative to this emotion is sadness, and it seems so weak so undeserving of attention, so I choose the latter, but what makes it worse is that these emotions stay hoarded, boxed up inside, only to dissipate or gain momentum to the day where the slightest thing is liable to throw me over the edge. With God's help I can overcome this beast of burden. This anchor that holds me down while my wings streak in agony begging me to fly, fly, soar into destiny, into the beams of happiness.I will slay this Goliath, and then I will be King!

I guess it's more of a discussion of good verse evil, or love vs hate. As in the Star Wars saga, the darkside is very powerful but a path chosen by weaker minds, minds that choose not to fulfill their divine potential. I'd like to know that 'm made from stronger stock, I'd like to know that God has invested more in me than to take the easier way out of things, but it is difficult which we all understand. Right now even writing this my words I want to regress to using profanity and other dirty sentences to express how I feel, strength has to be cultivated, and harnessed, and even once attained it has to be nurtured and preserved. I will make a conscience effort to seek guidance from those in my circle , but friends are even unaccommodating to closure, and that's all I want, the journey continues.

Dodging Insanity!

So, I'm back , it's only been..........what.......3 months and a few weeks since Ive posted my last blog, at the time I was going through a break up with the love of my life, and I had to get some things off my chest, now I'm falling in love with my career,and myself, I want to be the best version of D I can Be, and the potential that my life has gained since the beginning of this year is reassuring to me that I'm moving in the right direction! I'm back out here in Vegas, working on Pawn Stars and it's been fun, it's had it's ups and downs but what experiences don't right? Still talk to my ex- who's still my BF, there's no one who I confide in totally but she knows most of my secrets, I think that's just the cancer in me that won't allow anyone to get totally in, always a problem I've had with others who wanted me to give more of myself. It's so much going on right now, I'm trying to stay sane in this world and maintain my focus, temptation is dangled enticingly on every corner out here in Vegas, gorgeous women, every age, shape, size, heels, mini's everywhere, casinos, this collage of instant gratification, a facade, because you gotta pay to play, I keep telling myself I'm done with the casino, yeah right although I'm better at controlling my impulses, I still give in from time to time, tossing a 20, down on a black jack table that the dealer fake apologetically takes from me with the Grinch's grin. I've lost my mojo somewhat to a degree also. I know confidence is the key with women but mine comes and goes at times, and I don't like it, the flip side is when i do approach a young lady I'm interested in most of the time it ends well for me. I've never had a problem talking to women, but I see Fi's face everywhere,and I'm still at the point where songs I hear remind me of us constantly, the most recent one is B.O.B's "Beautiful girls", the lyrics make me ponder on the fact that yeah there's a lot of beautiful women out there but could I have potentially let the one slip away, although she's still apart of my life, is she at a point where she's going to evolve on a entirely different plain, I've just got to keep reminding myself that I'm the chocolate wonder, and what I want I eventually get, patience was never a strong suite of mine though. I'm glad I'm writing this , hopefully I can continue to let these thoughts pour out on a more regular basis, this is supposed to be therapeutic for me , to let these thoughts out of my head and onto this screen, aahhhhh! does feel like weight is being relieved from my stress. This is a time of I'd like to think and know I'm made of stronger stuff! The time is now D, leave the doubt out, and stir your confidence in that cauldron of I, you know all the other ingredients you've got to add to serve yourself up to the world as that 5 star dish that you are, does take time though, you've always known what you had, and have to do though, Now's the time, I can't wait to see the king your going to turn into, but you're made stronger than you've shown yourself to be , Now is the time, Now, because insanity is just not a option!

Let It Rain!

I love the rain, the sound of it the smell of it. Due to my secret alter ego, that only the closest person to me really knows, Lazy D, mainly because I've brought out this side in her, the rain is the alixer that brings him out. It gives me an excuse to cancel plans, and stay inside, roll up a J or a B, mix and pour up a cocktail, or pour a glass of wine, and just chill. Mind you although my body may be in a state of perpetual relaxation,, my mind, conscience is working overtime. That's the gift and the curse of theses rainy days, even now as I'm typing my thoughts onto this machine, I can hear the rain chattering as it falls to the streets. The rain!

Forces you to think, forces one to address issues that due to the hustle, and bustle of a day without it, one may ignore or set aside for another time. There's one thing that I can't shake right now haven't been able to shake for a couple of days now. When something is over, and you know it has been for a while, why do we still long to cling to the it? It's like eating something that's really good, even after you've had your fill, you still take bites, just to relish in the flavor, Can you be gluttunous when it comes to love? I don't know just rambling, My BF, who blogs tells me, that I could use this as therapy to get thoughts out of my head, or even better to address how I really feel. One thought is overpowering all others right now, Break Ups Suck. The ideal situation would be not to have a girlfriend but a close female companion, whom you can share intimate time with, No titles, No Obligations, No Rules! Just an understanding of affection that's ok, hugs , kisses, sex ,cuddling, yeah coming from a man, I know it sounds like a win win, but really someone who understands the sharing of the combination of male and female energy. Sounds Good!

The Rain whispers to me everything happens for a reason. The rain SHOUTS, get over it, grab your balls, she is what you told her she'd be. a long learned lesson! But I wanna keep learning from her, I'm so selfish, yeah I know! So! Who isn't! Especially when it comes to personal happiness.

The Rain says the Time is Now, you've experienced the ups and downs of love, you've survived, and although I failed the bread test, lol, (inside joke )you know you're a survivor. The rain yells remember your first love music, you've completely abandoned her, rekindle that flame. She'll Always love you! Remember your guitar , now that's a woman who sings for you.

The rain says let me wash it away, and tomorrow it'll be better. Believe what you know, " Go Confidently in the directions of your dreams, Live the Life you've imagined!" Thoreau!

I have no religious allegiance but I talk to the spirit of the universe daily, and I have to say Thank You, for not allowing me to avoid the unavoidable, it's a new year , let's get it. What you want it to be that's what it will be. Be unwavered in youre confidence, be strong, enjoy!