IT'S BEEN OVER 5 YEARS

Hey! how are you? I hope these words find you well and in good spirits. Recently the flame or writing has been rekindled from embers, that I knew never died out but accepted were dormant. Only because I suppressed them. Now I have more to write about than ever.  5 years of life experiences, a cyclical realm where all things come full circle. It's so weird. I'm still dealing with a lot of the shit I was dealing with , back then. GROWTH, it's the mountain peak for all of us. Fulfillment. Anyway I've left and now I've returned to reclaim my voice, and the utensils that I use to amplify that frequency, so it reaches out and claims ears that are intrigued or like minded, or just fucking nosey, lol. The urge has returned , and the itch will be scratched here, therapeutically, as I defy laws and ramble and confess, and share my closet and my recipes of life. Practice. Peace.

    Gaining momentum, revving up the engine, escaped from that prison, where fears a religion, and peers hard of hearin, you just wanna share what your feeling, show glimpses of my soul, no need for the probe, unless it's a story better yet untold, that only I'll know, for a while yo, I was wild though, Cali, calmed my style slow, sit back let that style go, switched it, took a deep breath wow bro, the view nitro, still smoke bogies, crown and rose's for the OG, tote speech, as bait when I'm fishing for opportunity, plugged into the matrix, these tricks ain't new to me!

Just though I'd let the brain throw something together, finger freestyle, trying to nurture my creative side again, it used to be so easy, and again it will be when I capture that frequency again, I get it in small wattage's now, and I can feel it building, like a wave, I'm ready to ride that bitch!  Trying to start listening to more and more new music, I find myself writing down the names of all new bands I catch wind of so I won't forget, went over a friend of Ian's how J, and his roomie makes tracks.   He actually had a couple of solid instrumentals, I ran an album concept that I've been sitting on for years by him,and he likes it, I want full moguldom, and it 's actually at my fingertips, I've just gottta fully embrace the fact that my life is going to be crazy, hectic, and full of do's , but it's awesome, and I love it, it's th life I want, so let's do this.  I've got a meeting with Rich this weekend, Axtion Mag, he wants me to put a show together fort him, me!, just dropped it right in my lap, and he's got equipment , JAH( yes JAH), I like that name for GOD, anyway he is fucking awesome, still haven't put a finger on a definition for my spirituality, but I prey daily, and talk to JAH constantly, so, I'm loving life right now though, all adversity is being embraced, struggle is welcome, I get stronger everyday in all aspects of self, I will attract whatever I desire, and my life will be what I make it , until next time , PEACE!

Progress Bitches!

These last few days have been awesome!  I've started to work a new gig, JAH IS AWESOME BTW!  not exactly my cup of tea but it's still a cool ass set to be on.  I'm currently a field PA on the set of Tough Enough which is the WWF 's reality show for their next big wrestling superstar, these motherfuckers are hilarious, but it's also inspiring to see someone going after their dreams, annnddd tolerate all of the bullshit that reality competition shows put one through!  Plus I'm also back on set, it's home where I love to be right in the mix, walkie in my ear running aroung, soaking up everything my mind can sponge.  One of the AD's has left so today I was informed that the talent has requested me to be their liason to the producers , directors etc.! What! I've only been on set for 3 days prior to today , and already I've made an outstanding impression.  Getting more and more secure in my new skin,  the confidence recognition of accepting the demeanor of manhood, masculine disposition , is very empowering! I love it!  I 've taken responsibility of the fact that my  life to date has been what I've made it, my shortcomings, and failures only rest on my shoulders, and it's a superb feeling to truly embrace the idea that my life is what I choose to make it! I direct my own documentary,  recorded through the lens of my eyes, and edited by my mind! And 'm not going to lie alot of scenes are being deleted for better footage ha!

I'm enjoying writing at this moment , it's fairly freeing to allow these words to spill out of my mind, and por through my fingers, soaking the keyboard with my thoughts.  I'm in the process of transforming spiritually first, then mentally, and the result has been literally a physical transformation, I'm down 15 lbs this year!  I've lost this weight before too, but it always comes back in times of depression and sorrow, I have a feeling those days are over.  I've made another fresh start, and although I've stumbled out of the gate a bit, it seems I've found my stride, and now I've got my eyes on winning this race , and not just finishing it!

I Forgive Me!

It seems that I can't sleep at the moment. My mind buzzing like a hive, seeming incapable of silence, or even peace for that matter. Although I have made a pact with myself to immediately trash the spam that inevitably litters my inbox of thoughts with negative banter. No More! I don't have time for this shit anymore, regrets, doubts, fears, shortcomings,failure, insecurity these words are poison to me now. I have the serum for these ills,a smile that represents wisdom for these words, a smile that says " Hey Buddy, I recognize you, Nope not this time!". From this moment on I reject those seeds, from the soil of my mind, they will not be cultivated to grow into well groomed weeds that become and eyesore in my garden of thoughts. These weeds will be whacked at first sight, and those plots will be used to nurture divine thoughts that blossom into divine action!

I forgive myself! I do! I've pulled the plug in the sink of despair, and I smile, again;)as I watch the old me , and my old mind; with those old thoughts swirl down the drain, bye bye! For the first time in my life (truly) , A man inside and out is what I wanna be,will be! that's not something I just would like to call myself, and as visions of my father scroll like a side show in my brain, I will be a better man than he was, and he was a damn fine example of one too, most of the time ;0)I forgive myself for not being where I think I should be in life. I forgive myself for my failures. I forgive myself for time's when I've quit.I forgive myself for lying, stealing , cheating. I forgive myself for not loving wholeheartedly. I forgive myself for being undisciplined at times. I forgive myself for being naive. I forgive myself for not loving me. I forgive myself for procrastination. I forgive myself for being insecure! Fuck that No More ! those days are gone! I've vowed recently for the 100th time to be the best version of myself , but finally those words will be true, and I can wait for the process that this metamorphosis will take. I embrace the pain,fear,and other attributes of this change, I will conquer, I will be me De Shon, continuing to chisel away at my masterpiece, sculpted in the image of God. I have embraced my divinity, and with God's love and guidance, I will soar!

One Day Soon!

I want to learn how to control the voices in my head, really the one that always leads me to anger, mad at the cards that life has dealt me, unappreciative of those things that others wish for that come to me easily. Friendship, love from family, the gift of always being provided opportunity. Anger that emotion that bubbles to the service from that voice that speaks over and over. Some say it's the ego, and I may have to say i agree. Life has been a constant battle with ego, nothings ever good enough for him, he leads me to jealousy, rage, madness, and the alternative to this emotion is sadness, and it seems so weak so undeserving of attention, so I choose the latter, but what makes it worse is that these emotions stay hoarded, boxed up inside, only to dissipate or gain momentum to the day where the slightest thing is liable to throw me over the edge. With God's help I can overcome this beast of burden. This anchor that holds me down while my wings streak in agony begging me to fly, fly, soar into destiny, into the beams of happiness.I will slay this Goliath, and then I will be King!

I guess it's more of a discussion of good verse evil, or love vs hate. As in the Star Wars saga, the darkside is very powerful but a path chosen by weaker minds, minds that choose not to fulfill their divine potential. I'd like to know that 'm made from stronger stock, I'd like to know that God has invested more in me than to take the easier way out of things, but it is difficult which we all understand. Right now even writing this my words I want to regress to using profanity and other dirty sentences to express how I feel, strength has to be cultivated, and harnessed, and even once attained it has to be nurtured and preserved. I will make a conscience effort to seek guidance from those in my circle , but friends are even unaccommodating to closure, and that's all I want, the journey continues.

Dodging Insanity!

So, I'm back , it's only been..........what.......3 months and a few weeks since Ive posted my last blog, at the time I was going through a break up with the love of my life, and I had to get some things off my chest, now I'm falling in love with my career,and myself, I want to be the best version of D I can Be, and the potential that my life has gained since the beginning of this year is reassuring to me that I'm moving in the right direction! I'm back out here in Vegas, working on Pawn Stars and it's been fun, it's had it's ups and downs but what experiences don't right? Still talk to my ex- who's still my BF, there's no one who I confide in totally but she knows most of my secrets, I think that's just the cancer in me that won't allow anyone to get totally in, always a problem I've had with others who wanted me to give more of myself. It's so much going on right now, I'm trying to stay sane in this world and maintain my focus, temptation is dangled enticingly on every corner out here in Vegas, gorgeous women, every age, shape, size, heels, mini's everywhere, casinos, this collage of instant gratification, a facade, because you gotta pay to play, I keep telling myself I'm done with the casino, yeah right although I'm better at controlling my impulses, I still give in from time to time, tossing a 20, down on a black jack table that the dealer fake apologetically takes from me with the Grinch's grin. I've lost my mojo somewhat to a degree also. I know confidence is the key with women but mine comes and goes at times, and I don't like it, the flip side is when i do approach a young lady I'm interested in most of the time it ends well for me. I've never had a problem talking to women, but I see Fi's face everywhere,and I'm still at the point where songs I hear remind me of us constantly, the most recent one is B.O.B's "Beautiful girls", the lyrics make me ponder on the fact that yeah there's a lot of beautiful women out there but could I have potentially let the one slip away, although she's still apart of my life, is she at a point where she's going to evolve on a entirely different plain, I've just got to keep reminding myself that I'm the chocolate wonder, and what I want I eventually get, patience was never a strong suite of mine though. I'm glad I'm writing this , hopefully I can continue to let these thoughts pour out on a more regular basis, this is supposed to be therapeutic for me , to let these thoughts out of my head and onto this screen, aahhhhh! does feel like weight is being relieved from my stress. This is a time of I'd like to think and know I'm made of stronger stuff! The time is now D, leave the doubt out, and stir your confidence in that cauldron of I, you know all the other ingredients you've got to add to serve yourself up to the world as that 5 star dish that you are, does take time though, you've always known what you had, and have to do though, Now's the time, I can't wait to see the king your going to turn into, but you're made stronger than you've shown yourself to be , Now is the time, Now, because insanity is just not a option!

Let It Rain!

I love the rain, the sound of it the smell of it. Due to my secret alter ego, that only the closest person to me really knows, Lazy D, mainly because I've brought out this side in her, the rain is the alixer that brings him out. It gives me an excuse to cancel plans, and stay inside, roll up a J or a B, mix and pour up a cocktail, or pour a glass of wine, and just chill. Mind you although my body may be in a state of perpetual relaxation,, my mind, conscience is working overtime. That's the gift and the curse of theses rainy days, even now as I'm typing my thoughts onto this machine, I can hear the rain chattering as it falls to the streets. The rain!

Forces you to think, forces one to address issues that due to the hustle, and bustle of a day without it, one may ignore or set aside for another time. There's one thing that I can't shake right now haven't been able to shake for a couple of days now. When something is over, and you know it has been for a while, why do we still long to cling to the it? It's like eating something that's really good, even after you've had your fill, you still take bites, just to relish in the flavor, Can you be gluttunous when it comes to love? I don't know just rambling, My BF, who blogs tells me, that I could use this as therapy to get thoughts out of my head, or even better to address how I really feel. One thought is overpowering all others right now, Break Ups Suck. The ideal situation would be not to have a girlfriend but a close female companion, whom you can share intimate time with, No titles, No Obligations, No Rules! Just an understanding of affection that's ok, hugs , kisses, sex ,cuddling, yeah coming from a man, I know it sounds like a win win, but really someone who understands the sharing of the combination of male and female energy. Sounds Good!

The Rain whispers to me everything happens for a reason. The rain SHOUTS, get over it, grab your balls, she is what you told her she'd be. a long learned lesson! But I wanna keep learning from her, I'm so selfish, yeah I know! So! Who isn't! Especially when it comes to personal happiness.

The Rain says the Time is Now, you've experienced the ups and downs of love, you've survived, and although I failed the bread test, lol, (inside joke )you know you're a survivor. The rain yells remember your first love music, you've completely abandoned her, rekindle that flame. She'll Always love you! Remember your guitar , now that's a woman who sings for you.

The rain says let me wash it away, and tomorrow it'll be better. Believe what you know, " Go Confidently in the directions of your dreams, Live the Life you've imagined!" Thoreau!

I have no religious allegiance but I talk to the spirit of the universe daily, and I have to say Thank You, for not allowing me to avoid the unavoidable, it's a new year , let's get it. What you want it to be that's what it will be. Be unwavered in youre confidence, be strong, enjoy!